🌱 Growing Around Grief: How Loss Changes Us

🌿 We Don’t Move On—We Grow Around

Grief isn’t something we “get over.” It’s something we learn to live with. Psychologist Lois Tonkin offered a powerful metaphor that reframes how we understand this process. She asked a grieving mother to draw her grief. The woman sketched a large circle labeled “grief,” then a smaller circle labeled “life.” Over time, she expected the grief to shrink—but it didn’t. Instead, she drew a new picture: the grief circle stayed the same, but the life circle grew around it.

This is the essence of Tonkin’s model: grief doesn’t disappear—it becomes part of us. Our lives expand around it. We build new experiences, relationships, and meaning, but the grief remains, woven into the fabric of who we are.

It’s not a scar—it’s a root.

🌻 Stories of Growth Around Grief

Here are a few glimpses into how people have grown around their grief:

• Maya’s Story: After losing her father, Maya didn’t “move on.” She grew into a new role—volunteering at a hospice, eventually becoming a grief counselor. Her father’s absence became a source of presence in others’ lives.

  
  

• Julian’s Art: Julian’s grief for his sister didn’t fade. It became the palette for his paintings. His creativity grew around the ache, transforming it into beauty.

  
  

• Lena’s Voice: Lena’s miscarriage left her feeling voiceless. But through writing, she found language for her pain—and helped others find theirs.

  
  

Each of these stories reflects Tonkin’s idea: the grief remains, but life grows larger around it.

🌿 How It’s Used in Therapy and Personal Growth

Tonkin’s model is widely used in bereavement counseling and support groups because it:

• Validates the permanence of grief: It removes the pressure to “get over” loss and instead encourages acceptance.

  
  

• Encourages personal growth: Individuals are supported in building new relationships, learning new skills, and finding meaning while still honoring their grief.

  
  

• Supports ongoing bonds: It aligns with the Continuing Bonds theory, which affirms that maintaining a relationship with the deceased is healthy and normal.

  
  

• Promotes resilience: By recognizing grief as a part of identity, it helps people integrate loss into their lives and move forward with purpose.

  
  

🌼 Visual and Symbolic Representations

The model is often illustrated in ways that make it emotionally accessible:

• Circle Metaphor: Grief is a fixed circle, and life grows around it.

  
  

• Jar Analogy: Grief is a stone in a jar; the jar grows larger, making room for more life.

  
  

• Plant Imagery: Grief is a root or bulb—embedded in the soil of life, nourishing new growth.

🌼 Grief as a Mirror

Loss has a way of clarifying what matters. It strips away the superficial and reveals our core values. It can make us more empathetic, more present, more aware of life’s fragility. It can also challenge us—forcing us to confront fears, regrets, or unresolved emotions.

💬 Final Reflection

Tonkin’s model doesn’t ask us to let go—it asks us to grow. It’s a gentle reminder that grief is not a detour but part of the terrain. And as our lives expand, we carry grief with us—not as a burden, but as a root that grounds us.

🌱 An Invitation to Reflect

If you’re grieving, or have grieved, take a moment to reflect: How has your loss shaped who you are today? What have you grown around? What new branches have emerged from the broken places?

You’re not alone in this. We all carry stones in our soil. But look closely—there’s life growing around them.

Think of your own grief. Has it changed shape? Or have you grown around it?

• What new parts of your life exist because of what you lost?

• How has grief reshaped your values, your empathy, your purpose?

• What does your “life circle” look like now?

  
  

You might find that grief didn’t just mark an ending—it marked a beginning.

💬 Have you experienced growth around grief? Share your story in the comments or journal your reflections. Your journey might be the light someone else needs.